What does it feel like?

I've been studying Psychometrics with the OU and last week my exam result arrived. (78% so yay!). I love exams, always have. It's the element of surprise that I like - what will the questions be? how well can I answer them? what result will I get? They feel like works of art, creative experiences. Even if I don't know the stuff very well or care less.

This was the first ever where I sat down and just blanked. Totally empty head, nothingness, very scary.

I'd booked into a swanky hotel for two nights before the exam and just read and read, so felt exceptionally well-prepared. I even sat in the ante-room and while the other candidates poured over last minute notes, I just sipped my water and gazed out of the window, smugly. Then, after asking to sit at a new desk because mine was too wobbly and slowly and calmly filling in all the admin bits and opening the question paper to decide which ones to do and in which order, I just freaked. Suddenly ALL the names and dates I'd learned vanished, I couldn't remember the difference between key concepts, the hands on the clock were spinning, whizzing round. I looked around the room and everyone else was scribbling away.

I felt like putting my hand up and asking them to stop while I pulled myself together, I seriously considered it. It took about 10 minutes which seemed like ten seconds and ten hours at the same time.

I told myself to relax, close the booklet, take some deep breathes, think about the sea lapping on the shore under August moonlight, blah, blah, blah. "It's not fucking working. Aaarrggh!". Tried looking for my favourite topic and making notes. Still nothing. After twenty minutes I'd resigned myself to failure. I picked the first question on the paper and just started writing, anything I could think of connected with the topic whether it answered the question or not. When fifteen minutes was passed I stopped and started on question 2. Twenty minutes later, number 3. Somewhere in the process my head must have come back online because that result is good, but the shock of blanking threw me and I've been convinced that if I'd passed it would be by a mark or two at most.

I used to wonder what happened when your mind goes 'completely blank', why people screamed when they saw dead bodies, how they knew they were really in love. Now I'm wondering what it feels like to be an actual grown-up entitled insider adult lady.